depression

[Candiru]

I'm very picky when it comes to who I really let into my life. I haven't figured it out yet. There are a couple of people who can cheer me up any time, though.

 

Lately I've been having all kinds of brutal revenge fantasies about anyone who has ever disrespected me in the slightest. I think I used to let people walk all over me. Now I feel like I want to make enemies just so I can fuck with them. Part of me thinks that a savage, amoral attitude is an advantage and that human decency is just an excuse to not take chances or a cop out for being a fucking pussy. But then I won't get what I want: lots of friendship and love and being emotionally close. The conflict is real.

 

This probably comes from being very depressed in my adolescent and teen years and every one of my friends cutting off contact as a result. It creates a lack of trust and real disappointment. A huge empty space where other people have memories. How can I look back fondly on those people? Such a big portion of my life so far just isn't worth remembering or revisiting. I also went 8 years without speaking to my dad(saw him at my sister's wedding 3 months ago - wasn't bad.)

[chim]

that duncan dude is right up my alley

 

you need to take a stand on what's important in your life, and then make the necessary decisions, even with the FUD campaign in your mind.. the truth is that it's not as bad as it seems when you stop wallowing in what if's and why's. we can't control everything, we can't control much at all in fact, but we can take responsibility for our state of reaction here and now.. trying to deal with things out of a state of anxiety is a self-fulfilling circle and potentially very destructive - you need to put other things, even if they're lofty ideals, ahead of that emotional state. don't let the past run things, let go of it every day if you need to, breathe fresh.

 

the demons are real but they're not undefeatable... hang in there guys

Edited September 10, 2014 by chim

[Guest fiznuthian]

that duncan dude is right up my alley

 

you need to take a stand on what's important in your life, and then make the necessary decisions, even with the FUD campaign in your mind.. the truth is that it's not as bad as it seems when you stop wallowing in what if's and why's. we can't control everything, we can't control much at all in fact, but we can take responsibility for our state of reaction here and now.. trying to deal with things out of a state of anxiety is a self-fulfilling circle and potentially very destructive - you need to put other things, even if they're lofty ideals, ahead of that emotional state. don't let the past run things, let go of it every day if you need to, breathe fresh.

 

the demons are real but they're not undefeatable... hang in there guys

 

thanks for the words chim, and the reminder. i'm going to try

[Cryptowen]

i dunno much about depression, like i guess i don't understand the clinical stuff, but a few family members say they got it

 

as far as emotions go i find it helps me to think of my day to day life revolving around THE WORK, aka some lifelong transcendental project that's outside your ego self - creating art, philosophical introspection, math, etc. Dedicate yourself to the work & emotions become less life-defining and more just an annoyance/interesting tonal flavour (depending on point of view). Obviously you still want to deal with them in a healthy way, but I find taking away some of their importance really helps in the long run

 

basically "shit son i can't waste time worrying about the potential emptiness of life, i gotta get up tomorrow & record bird noises for this track"

[whylessness]

take control of your body before you take control of your mind. get 8-10 hours of sleep a night, but don't let yourself sleep 12+ hours. turn your computer off an hour before you go to bed; try not to eat before bed.

 

when i changed my diet and started working out again (i didn't have a gym membership for 2~ years because i dropped out of school and got super lazy), concentrating on eating above maitinence (do you overeat? undereat? my apetite has always been shit, but it's worse if i'm depressed), it had a massive impact on my life. but at the same time, it felt like work. it's not always easy. i loathe cardio, but i love lifting weights. Toru Okada swims. i have more energy when i come home from the gym than i know what to do with.

[whylessness]

lifting weights helped me work through Grrl Trrbl

[Candiru]

Now I lol at what I wrote in this thread. That's life folks. Drink and be merry.

[whylessness]

Now I lol at what I wrote in this thread. That's life folks. 420 blaze it.

[Candiru]

That too.

[goDel]

Duncan Trussell talking to his dying mother...this unclogged my emotional plumbing

 

Thanks for posting this, Limpy. Awesome stuff.

[sheatheman]

I have never taken meds for my depression, which is dysthymia. I can first remember feeling depressed at age 13, and have never escaped it since, though I have had periods of joy that have lasted even months. There have also been periods of severity, and recently it's come back with a hateful strength I have never experienced.

 

But I realized something about it today. Lying gives it strength. If depression interferes with parts of your life, and you're ashamed to admit why for fear of being called lazy or self pitying, I think it's natural to learn to go through life carrying an element of deceit (Forgive me if that's not your experience).

 

But every lie just sows seeds of more depression. Before you know it, you're living a double life, and this only feeds your depression further. What we all want is to be fully known, and lying does the opposite. I'm telling you, if you would just stop lying, no matter the costs, and even tell the truth to people you've lied to in the past, I think there is something to be said for the healing effect, both for your mind/body and for others that have been hurt.

 

It's definitely a hard thing, but there is light on the other side.

[flim]

......I've been so messed up lately. I've been spending a lot of money on things trying to make myself feel better, but it's not working. People have been saying it's "the holiday blues," but I don't think it's as simple as that.

 

It all boils down to the fact that I hate my job so much and I'm going absolutely nowhere. I've been doing my manager's work for him while he gets all the credit. Common sense would tell you to cut that shit out, but it's almost like I don't have a choice. A strong work ethic and a belief in some so-called company mission keeps me from letting my department slip behind. Last week, we had two big projects that I handled completely and put my heart into, and I didn't even get a thank you email, but the boss gets shit like "Thanks to his great ideas and leadership...," things that aren't true in the slightest. I almost beat the fuck out of him on Friday.

 

So I'm just internalizing all of this stuff and it's taking a toll on me. I haven't slept well in ages, I've lost 15 pounds in the past 1.5 months due to not being able to eat a whole lot, and I can't concentrate on anything.

 

Another problem that I'm having is that I (think) I'm in love with a woman I've gotten pretty close to at work, and since I've never been the best at expressing my feelings about these things, I am keeping that inside because I am afraid that our friendship will stall/end if I inject something like that. I value having a person to talk to and confide in over having a romantic relationship, so I'm just going to let it go. But it feels terrible. Also, there's always the looming specter of death when we speak.... she has cancer and is in a wheelchair. That's something that I can't reconcile in my head, but she's such a wonderful person, and I value her so much. She's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last I think of before I go to bed.

 

............It's XMAS EVET10. I shouldn't be thinking about this. But I have to spend time with my family tomorrow and I'm dreading it. Giving gifts to people who don't deserve them and don't really seem to give a fuck about me for the majority of the year is all kinds of appalling. But I do care for my family and always want them to be happy, even if I'm not.

[logakght]

This has been the best year ever in my 20 years of life. So I'm not tat depressed today :^)

[Guest HokusPoker]

It sounds like you're actually pretty good at your job even though you're not close to being able to put all your concentration into it. Have you ever asked your boss about what he thinks he's doing and/or have other people noticed who's really doing his work? Is there a boss to your boss who knows the situation?

 

Second, it's cliché, I know, but don't you think you'll regret never even trying more than messing up your relationship (which very likely will not be the outcome of talking to her about it)?

[flim]

This has been the best year ever in my 20 years of life. So I'm not tat depressed today :^)

And that really is something to be proud of. I am truly happy for you, logakght.

 

It sounds like you're actually pretty good at your job even though you're not close to being able to put all your concentration into it. Have you ever asked your boss about what he thinks he's doing and/or have other people noticed who's really doing his work? Is there a boss to your boss who knows the situation?

 

Second, it's cliché, I know, but don't you think you'll regret never even trying more than messing up your relationship (which very likely will not be the outcome of talking to her about it)?

 

I do think I'm pretty good at my job. I did my boss' job for 1.5 years but was never promoted. I talk to him about what his goals are and what strategies he's thinking of, trying to challenge him all the time, but he's actually not very smart and he just talks in circles. It's completely useless to talk to him. Most everyone knows I'm handling things, but the people who matter (the GM and director) have given him a pass, which really seems like they don't want to admit they made a mistake instead of promoting me, or that it was their intention the whole time to hire a figurehead while they keep me where I am doing all the work without having to pay me more or give me a new title.

 

I don't know if I'll regret not telling her how I feel. Perhaps, but I'd rather regret it than do it and then have our relationship change for the worst. I already know that she doesn't feel the same as I do, so I think it will be a waste of time. Will our friendship end if I tell her so? Probably not, but it WILL change. It will be awkward with that knowledge out there and we will most likely drift apart afterward. I'd rather not deal with that.

[Guest HokusPoker]

This has been the best year ever in my 20 years of life. So I'm not tat depressed today :^)

And that really is something to be proud of. I am truly happy for you, logakght.

 

It sounds like you're actually pretty good at your job even though you're not close to being able to put all your concentration into it. Have you ever asked your boss about what he thinks he's doing and/or have other people noticed who's really doing his work? Is there a boss to your boss who knows the situation?

 

Second, it's cliché, I know, but don't you think you'll regret never even trying more than messing up your relationship (which very likely will not be the outcome of talking to her about it)?

 

I do think I'm pretty good at my job. I did my boss' job for 1.5 years but was never promoted. I talk to him about what his goals are and what strategies he's thinking of, trying to challenge him all the time, but he's actually not very smart and he just talks in circles. It's completely useless to talk to him. Most everyone knows I'm handling things, but the people who matter (the GM and director) have given him a pass, which really seems like they don't want to admit they made a mistake instead of promoting me, or that it was their intention the whole time to hire a figurehead while they keep me where I am doing all the work without having to pay me more or give me a new title.

 

I don't know if I'll regret not telling her how I feel. Perhaps, but I'd rather regret it than do it and then have our relationship change for the worst. I already know that she doesn't feel the same as I do, so I think it will be a waste of time. Will our friendship end if I tell her so? Probably not, but it WILL change. It will be awkward with that knowledge out there and we will most likely drift apart afterward. I'd rather not deal with that.

 

 

Who is your work ethic for? There's your boss who's an idiot. There's you whom it doesn't help.

At the end of the day, your work should be there for you, not the other way round. ‘Work’ or ‘work ethic’ is not a being anybody cares about. It's an abstract idea.

Without people who give you credit for that, it's absolutely nothing. Actually it's less than nothing.

Pursuing an idea that is very harmful to you is actually nothing but stupid, and I hope you know that I don't mean that as an insult.

 

Who knows, maybe, if you quit your job and they see your department goes downhill once your boss doesn't have you anymore, they'll realize they want you.

 

 

Last night I watched an episode of Louie, season 4, where Louie is heart-broken and asks a doctor in his building for help. He calls Louie an idiot and tells him that that is what love is about: being able to feel a big amount of pain. Having a state of mind where you care about someone, even if that means you're in pain, is by far better than not caring about anybody.

Now I personally think that's 99% bullshit, but maybe you get something out of it.

 

You can never compare two situations but I once told a schoolmate of mine that I was ‘more or less’ in love with her even though I knew there was nothing to be won there. In a way I didn't even want a relationship because I knew that that wouldn't work. It became awkward for a few weeks, I'll admit that, but it changed back to a great relationship again and she's one of the few people from school I am still in contact with. It was a huge relief to me and perhaps, it's the only thing that will make it possible for you to let go. It's risky of course but at least I personally don't know cases where it worked great to try to live with it.

[Guest HokusPoker]

I'm not sure if it's this thread's fault but boy, my mood has collapsed in the last hour. Thanks, Obama!

[flim]

 

This has been the best year ever in my 20 years of life. So I'm not tat depressed today :^)

And that really is something to be proud of. I am truly happy for you, logakght.

 

It sounds like you're actually pretty good at your job even though you're not close to being able to put all your concentration into it. Have you ever asked your boss about what he thinks he's doing and/or have other people noticed who's really doing his work? Is there a boss to your boss who knows the situation?

 

Second, it's cliché, I know, but don't you think you'll regret never even trying more than messing up your relationship (which very likely will not be the outcome of talking to her about it)?

 

I do think I'm pretty good at my job. I did my boss' job for 1.5 years but was never promoted. I talk to him about what his goals are and what strategies he's thinking of, trying to challenge him all the time, but he's actually not very smart and he just talks in circles. It's completely useless to talk to him. Most everyone knows I'm handling things, but the people who matter (the GM and director) have given him a pass, which really seems like they don't want to admit they made a mistake instead of promoting me, or that it was their intention the whole time to hire a figurehead while they keep me where I am doing all the work without having to pay me more or give me a new title.

 

I don't know if I'll regret not telling her how I feel. Perhaps, but I'd rather regret it than do it and then have our relationship change for the worst. I already know that she doesn't feel the same as I do, so I think it will be a waste of time. Will our friendship end if I tell her so? Probably not, but it WILL change. It will be awkward with that knowledge out there and we will most likely drift apart afterward. I'd rather not deal with that.

 

 

Who is your work ethic for? There's your boss who's an idiot. There's you whom it doesn't help.

At the end of the day, your work should be there for you, not the other way round. ‘Work’ or ‘work ethic’ is not a being anybody cares about. It's an abstract idea.

Without people who give you credit for that, it's absolutely nothing. Actually it's less than nothing.

Pursuing an idea that is very harmful to you is actually nothing but stupid, and I hope you know that I don't mean that as an insult.

 

Who knows, maybe, if you quit your job and they see your department goes downhill once your boss doesn't have you anymore, they'll realize they want you.

 

 

Last night I watched an episode of Louie, season 4, where Louie is heart-broken and asks a doctor in his building for help. He calls Louie an idiot and tells him that that is what love is about: being able to feel a big amount of pain. Having a state of mind where you care about someone, even if that means you're in pain, is by far better than not caring about anybody.

Now I personally think that's 99% bullshit, but maybe you get something out of it.

 

You can never compare two situations but I once told a schoolmate of mine that I was ‘more or less’ in love with her even though I knew there was nothing to be won there. In a way I didn't even want a relationship because I knew that that wouldn't work. It became awkward for a few weeks, I'll admit that, but it changed back to a great relationship again and she's one of the few people from school I am still in contact with. It was a huge relief to me and perhaps, it's the only thing that will make it possible for you to let go. It's risky of course but at least I personally don't know cases where it worked great to try to live with it.

 

 

......I've always thought my work ethic was for myself, just a sense of "righteousness," something to be proud of, but you're right. It's not doing me any good at all. What is it all for? I don't know. I dream of quitting every day, but I honestly don't know what I'd do next. I have had no luck even being called in for interviews. I've applied for countless jobs and revised my resume many times, but to no avail. Quitting without a plan B isn't appealing at all.

 

I do want to tell her how I feel, but I am so afraid of the outcome. I wouldn't be telling her with the hopes of starting a romantic relationship. I think I'd do her a disservice. She's much more experienced in life than I am and has done a whole lot for her age. I know she's out of my league there. Other than for catharsis, I don't know why I'd risk losing the pleasant relationship we have right now just to make myself feel better, and I'm not even sure it would make me feel better. She'd say, "That's very sweet but we're just friends." And then I'd continue to love her as we grow apart. We currently talk on the phone for hours. That would come to an end. We'd speak much less, she'd be apprehensive to confide in me, and then she'd eventually stop talking to me entirely. That has been my experience with everyone I've cared about in my life. I just don't want to go through it again :(

I'm not sure if it's this thread's fault but boy, my mood has collapsed in the last hour. Thanks, Obama!

...And I'm terribly sorry about this. I just needed to say something about how I'm feeling because I have no one to turn to.....

[logakght]

 

This has been the best year ever in my 20 years of life. So I'm not tat depressed today :^)

And that really is something to be proud of. I am truly happy for you, logakght.

 

thank you :). And I hope everything get better for you too.

[Brisbot]

I've been lurking and reading through this thread the past few suns. Lots of good advice. I just want to thank you guys. It's not absurd to be asking these kinds of questions anywhere, as the OP originally stated.

I've been thinking about getting on anti-anxiety meds. I've tried a few of my friends (diazapam), and while they definitely WORKED, it seems my patience becomes more limited, and my personality seems to become more flat. It's like I'm content a lot of the time, but i've become slightly hollowed out if that makes sense, just after taking it a few times. I'm not totally sure what to do.

What's strange is that I'm happier this way, but I kind of feel like a different person. I'm not sure if it's worth it.

Edited December 25, 2014 by Brisbot

[gmanyo]

I really need to start exercising, like xxx said. I got out of a 10 day stay in a psych ward about 20 days ago, and frankly I'm not a whole lot better at this point. Better enough to stay out I guess. Started some new "Latuda" drug that costs a million dollars (thankfully Obamacare pays for it). It's supposed to help with bipolar depression but it doesn't seem to be helping much, at least at the current dose.

Edited December 25, 2014 by gmanyo

[MadameChaos]

I know this may sound like a cliché but when I was really down several years ago I found Zen really helpful.

[MadameChaos]

Plus! People tend to blame themselves for things beyond their control. As soon as you start going easier on yourself you might find the pressure release.

 

And let go of your anger, it's corrosive at best. Even if it's justified.

Edited December 26, 2014 by MadameChaos

[Guest fiznuthian]

I'm often feeling down a lot now.. go fucking figure i'm pretty much falling apart I think. Something scary looming within.
I looked around for ways to acquire strong barbituates for the eventual conclusion that someday this is going to get much, much worse. Can't find any without travelling to south america.
I'm not even suicidal or anything but it's been a recurring process every day of pondering my fate and at this point i've settled in good with the idea that
I can make it stop on my own terms and as painless as possible. I guess there's always nitrogen but that would require people leaving me the fuck alone.

I hope to live reasonably enough and long enough to see my dog die and my parents die, and if i'm not in 24/7 unbearable pain then i'd like to just have some fun and say bye bye. Right now i'm trying to keep my shit together but it's fucking hard to cope with people being unable to empathize with me. I feel uncomfortable and my body continues to hurt in ways that medications don't help. It's ever slowly getting worse? Something central is damaged and the doctors and neurologists keep trying to put me on antidepressants and tell me I have a somatoform issue and they don't think I need to see them. My entire body feels like it's crawling, being feathered, spasming, aching, electrified, etc on any given day, some of which I just feel all of the time now 24/7. I suppose it's hard for them to grasp how this could be if they can't find data to support what i'm describing to them.

 

Anyway, i'm not really depressed for today.. I occasionally have my moments. Sorry to unload this here but I can't even talk to my parents or people I know about it.. they give me skeptical looks I guess because for now i'm still walking and talking like nothing ever changed. It's only within that I feel like fucking shit, some invisible war i'm battling with myself alone. I put on a smile anyway and I guess I am coping somewhat okay by taking it moment to moment. I'm lonely, working a dead-end job, still paying medical bills for nothing.. but i'm okay if only because I know it's all temporary anyway. Thanks Siddhartha I guess.

 

Going to click this submit button again but I feel fucking dirty every time i write this bullshit here..

[may be rude]

posting is fine, fiz. wish i knew what to say. you ever post in the medical questions reddit sub or somewhere like that?