depression

[LimpyLoo]

im having a sort of existential crisis, i fear everything and my mind is thinking all the time about concepts i am not ready to deal with.

 

Right now i want to be able to enjoy life and not think about ends and all that shit, i want to persue the things i want to persue without this monkey on my back.

 

I guess everyone has to deal with this shit, its the human condition.

 

any advice?

 

 

Do you have like a neurotic inner monologue constantly running? Like, are you constantly thinking about stuff or do you have more of a general feeling of anxiety?

 

Mindful meditation seems to really helpful for alot of people (including me). Essentially just sit down somewhere quiet and take slow deep breaths and focus on your breathing and try to slow your mind and let go of everything that's nagging you.

 

And the worst part about anxiety is overblown feelings of guilt or shame (often for no reason). I think the best thing to be done for that is to just think 'I'm not perfect but I choose to love myself and all my imperfections and I'll try to do my best in the future.'

 

It's also possible you have anxiety about life stuff (like bills or death or a boss or a landlord) in which case you'll have to jujitsu your way out of that stuff intellectually and practically.

 

My shrink told me a couple days ago that anti-depressants are the first go-to meds for anxiety (he said this because I've been prescribed benzos for anxiety for quite some time). More and more I'm convinced that most anxiety--if not all--can be alleviated without meds. Xanax and Klonapin are good for episodic things like panic attacks, but l don't think it's ideal to take them regularly to address generalized anxiety.

Edited July 12, 2014 by LimpyLoo

[LimpyLoo]

Athough I was exposed to these ideas since I was in high school, for some reason this lecture really changed my life:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwofsBniYMg

 

 

and here's the ambient new-agey hippy-dippy chill-out version:

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwofsBniYMg

 

Edited July 12, 2014 by LimpyLoo

[LimpyLoo]

(the mindfulness exercises start at 29:30 in the full vid and 8:40 in the second one)

[chim]

I have very, very little anxiety these days. The main difference is that I stay the fuck away from questioning and pondering too much. I don't mean that I don't think but I don't ruminate or doubt or sink myself into the mires of what ifs. I do as much as I can, keep myself active, keep to goals even if they don't make sense, simply because they're something to do, not necessarily with much of an end-point in mind or the wheres and hows. All my life I would wonder about the keys, the optimal situations, how I would know and how I would get there. Coming to the understanding that it's all going to shit anyway and there's no time for anything else but here and now increased this anxiety, slowly over years, to the point that it eventually collapsed under its own weight and I stopped worrying about anything. There was a strange moment in the peak of my anguish that I was out walking, trying to find high spots for jumping off in case I wouldn't be able to deal with it all anymore, and it came to me how simple it all was, the option to do something like that right then and there, how nothing really mattered, and suddenly everything started to glow. It was one of the most liberating experiences in my life. After that I haven't had an instance of true fear - reactionary at times, perhaps, but not deep, existential fear. All that energy has been reallocated into motivation to do whatever seems to be constructive and enjoyable here and now. I used to be obsessed about questions of self but I have come to the conclusion that there's no time even to think about the self, or rather, it's a waste of time and energy. How dissatisfying life may be, at this point in time and space I have the opportunity to experience things in a way that nobody ever had. It's awfully pretentious to waste that precious time imagining something different. It doesn't always mean that I can look at a sunset or something and feel that it's meaningful or pleasant in anyway, but even then and there I'm at peace with that state. All of these things that were part of the drama are just natural reactions of a combination of causes, just like feeling hot or cold, and it doesn't have to mean anything.

 

Since I've internalized the scars of worries and that arises from wanting, I feel like I'm at times very impartial about everything, but it's much, much preferable than the emotional anxious wreck I used to be. At the same time I don't feel distant, disassociated or alien - I'm right there, but more in the action than in the head. Sometimes those old thoughts come to the surface, things I struggled with for nearly all my life, being extremely self-conscious, and I get this strange notion of how they're alien to me at this point. I don't even understand them or their causes, like they were brought up by someone else, something stupid, a plaything. And these were literally crippling at an earlier point in time. I guess I'm just amazed that it's possible to grow past such a core thing, to get the kind of perspective that blows something away, that you thought you were dead certain about - the "this is me, this is my life" kind of thing. I don't feel challenged or limited by my doubts because I have become aware how feeble these instances of perception are at quantifying living day-to-day, and that most of the time you're not aware in the slightest of what's going on or going to happen. They're just thoughts.

 

In a perhaps ingrateful manner, although I would have given everything for this kind of standpoint at an earlier point in life, I don't feel particularly lucky or blessed about this. I actually haven't thought about it much until this thread started popping up on the front page again. I just stick to the plan; don't think about what you're doing, just do it.

Edited July 12, 2014 by chim

[peace 7]

im having a sort of existential crisis, i fear everything and my mind is thinking all the time about concepts i am not ready to deal with.

 

Right now i want to be able to enjoy life and not think about ends and all that shit, i want to persue the things i want to persue without this monkey on my back.

 

I guess everyone has to deal with this shit, its the human condition.

 

any advice?

I am just coming out of a 8~10 weekish hard existential crisis, where I basically did about <10 minutes of "work", for the whole period. I haven't even e-mailed an invoice for a finished job to get paid, cuz I didn't give a shit. What became apparent is that even though I did almost nothing, everyone in the office space basically accomplished just as much (I work in an incubation space). So that's funny, and helps me "enjoy" part of the absurdity of it all-- even though absurdity of it all was part of the problem.

 

Well- I used the time for tons of deep exploration, rapidly having revelation after revelation, which no doubt was helped by staying up for days on end (takes away self-protect filters). I consciously went over my priorities, what I want in life, what makes me happy, and ways to make all of those work in harmony; to benefit all involved. I focused on various potential futures as realistically as possible, to find one where I would be most comfortable. I explored as deeply and sincerely as possible, to find the potential sources of my unwillingness to do anything. I went back as far as early elementary school- I mean, the whole time was going back and forth- to break down foundations of beliefs that no longer serve me, and I replaced them with current values.

 

One of my main goals was to harmonize all incarnations of myself in this life, to arrive at a purpose that was sincere. Simultaneously, a goal was to prepare for and open myself to, an abstract fulfillment in work that I previously saw as mundane/pointless.

 

But everything came together in BAM fashion when talking to a friend yesterday. The final conclusion that has given me that spark that can never be faked, is that: my life, is my craft.

 

LIFE CRAFT

 

The fact that we can do anything, whenever, is a beautiful thing to realize for those who haven't. But for me, putting that idea-- putting my life in the context of a craft, made it a fun game of creation again. A craft like an art, and a craft like a cosmic ship. I got lost in goals, or values, etc. which made meaningless action feel painful and forced. But LIFE CRAFT, all those goals, value, whatever- all that became moot. In the pit, I felt like my life was the infinite now, HAVING TO work towards a future that I did not believe existed. But LIFE CRAFT has somehow shifted my perception of time, to where I am still in the infinite now, but the CRAFT is always in the now with me.

 

So it's not about working towards something that I don't yet have-- I realized that I've been given the privilege to artfully craft what I already have in my possession.

 

I dunno what part of your cosmic journey you're at, Deer (the quoted), but personally, I have lived "with money" and "with no money", "working hard" and "stoner cartoon life"-- since 2010, I've lived in Hawaii, Canada, Joshua Tree, Cairo, Tokyo-- that came from really living from my deepest values, letting go of bullshit, and when there is no self-judgement- acceptance of self!!!- so much shit falls into place that one cannot even plan for.

 

For me, it's been pretty important to experience vibez of all types. Places can have mind fucking vibez, so sometimes, you just gotta get some new vibez in ya. I've had friends who willingly became homeless and lived on the streets and in the forests and shit. In recent years I found joy in things I would generally not choose, which made me realize that I can only think that I know what I want. So despite any sort of "coming out of the pit" for me, that is only the foundation on which to put LIFE CRAFT effort, towards a life that I cannot even imagine. I didn't see my rapid life changes coming the past few years, and I cannot imagine 2 years from now. Keep your body+mind strong, and if you have that, you might be at a point to experiment with lifestyle changes. Fuck, if you're mad into RPGs, a fun solution could simply be to convert your life into an RPG (which it actually is!). Yah, so we're all basically doing the same shit here, but the ones who keep enthused and pumped, they got some mad vision on why they're acting. See your life however you need to see it, to craft it into what you need it to be.

 

STAY POSITIVE- ALL IN THIS THREAD! Thanks to ze electronic music communities for being the friends in need, in times of HWAT.

[peace 7]

 

STAY POSITIVE- ALL IN THIS THREAD! Thanks to ze electronic music communities for being the friends who are there in times of need, in times of HWAT.

 

 

Corrected typo! Cuz I've been guzzling a liter of milk and was holding back a watery shit for like 10 minutes when I typed that out. It was either post my support for peepz with typos and take a toilet shit-- or post my support for peepz without typos and crap my pants bad. So you know, I chose the toilet.

[may be rude]

i hope circumstances improve. a lot of cool people in here.

i struggled with depression for years, and at some point got through it, and that was several years ago now and i don't think it could come back. philosophical, psychological, and spiritual books helped. cosmic trigger, the structure of magic, and moonchild in particular. it's a personal journey that's different for everyone. i think the thing to suggest is to exercise your minds in whatever ways you are disposed to. i think that will help.

be well, people. talk nice to yourselves.

Edited July 14, 2014 by very honest

[marf]

if you take klonopin regularly. like daily. weeeen off. dont just stop. ween off over a period of months.

[BobDobalina]

Oh god yes. Even the couple times I've stepped down in dosage were rough - we're talking like 2 pills a day to 1.5 here. Even though I'm on a really low dose regimen now I have to be super vigilant in not forgetting to take it before bed, otherwise hello nightmares.

[LimpyLoo]

Flush your klonapin down the toilet, address your fears, and be free.

 

I'll keep my klonapin around for once-a-month panic attacks, but really it's just standing between a person and their enlightenment.

 

 

Why is it the Piraha people are so happy and un-neurotic (despite the many perils of their world) and white Americans are so neurotic and prone to suicide (despite the relative comfort of their situation)?

 

It's because the Piraha people feel like they can deal with anything. Disease, death, hunger.

We, on the other hand, are too soft. We are daunted by minutia. And We can't even think about death without freaking out.

[Glunk]

i like doing something really expressive or emotional to feel like i have more control over it and so it's less likely to pop up at inappropriate moments

also weed helps with the emotional onslaught + running thoughts (by slowing brain activity )

[LimpyLoo]

 

Flush your klonapin down the toilet,

Please dispose of in solid waste container instead. Pharmaceuticals in the water supply is a problem. Lethargic fish and heavy-lidded toads everywhere.

 

 

Metaphorically, of course.

 

Only floss, cigarettes and tampons should be discarded in the toilet.

[usagi]

 

Flush your klonapin down the toilet,

Please dispose of in solid waste container instead. Pharmaceuticals in the water supply is a problem. Lethargic fish and heavy-lidded toads everywhere.

 

 

lol

if you take klonopin regularly. like daily. weeeen off. dont just stop. ween off over a period of months.

 

Oh god yes. Even the couple times I've stepped down in dosage were rough - we're talking like 2 pills a day to 1.5 here. Even though I'm on a really low dose regimen now I have to be super vigilant in not forgetting to take it before bed, otherwise hello nightmares.

 

this is the most troubling part to me about being on meds.

[LimpyLoo]

I swear to god listening to Duncan Trussell has cured my depression and anxiety.

 

Everything that seemed so heavy and daunting, now seems lighter than the breeze.

 

I feel firmly grounded in the moment, I feel ten foot tall, I like myself, I feel connected to the world and the people around me...

 

Yeah.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 15, 2014 by LimpyLoo

[LimpyLoo]

Duncan Trussell talking to his dying mother...this unclogged my emotional plumbing

 

[autopilot]

^^ Duncan is truly a Don. Been a fan of his podcast for 2 years now. I like how he can discuss a lot of loftier spiritual ideas but still has that edgy dark comedy element that he hasn't eschewed in favor of a fake-seeming "100% positivity" worldview.

[Berk]

don't think about what you're doing, just do it.

Yeah, everybody knows this but it's hard to 'feel' this and put it into practice sometimes. Good post nonetheless.

[Guest fiznuthian]

i'm losing it. my body is terrorizing me via nerve endings and my attempts to subvert have failed so far

i'm a central nervous shit fuck.

i'm a shitty ugly body storing a brain hell bent on self destruction

my mind feels like a labyrinthine jungle of behavioral errors and poor decisions

i really don't like this anymore i don't know if i know how to deal with this.

i want to puke

Edited September 9, 2014 by fiznuthian

[sheatheman]

I am there now pretty much. All I know to do is ride the mania across the sea of dysfunction to that distant shore, through those clouds there. I know that, once on that sand, the things that I do will be the things that I want to do, and the things that I do not want to do I will not do.

[Guest fiznuthian]

sorry to drop more shit on this soapbox but it makes me feel less alone.

i'm just really, really broken and everything good in my life decays to more shit.

it hurts so fucking bad. i'm regularly crumbling every few days now and i just want to bang my head on a fucking wall until it stops.

i try to pick my spirit up and keep moving in the hopes that i might do something really good for someone or anyone but i'm brick

walled in this social phobic braincage and i don't know if i can take it anymore.

I am there now pretty much. All I know to do is ride the mania across the sea of dysfunction to that distant shore, through those clouds there. I know that, once on that sand, the things that I do will be the things that I want to do, and the things that I do not want to do I will not do.

 

i'm sorry shea :(

[Verdant Hickies]

sorry to drop more shit on this soapbox but it makes me feel less alone.

i'm just really, really broken and everything good in my life decays to more shit.

it hurts so fucking bad. i'm regularly crumbling every few days now and i just want to bang my head on a fucking wall until it stops.

i try to pick my spirit up and keep moving in the hopes that i might do something really good for someone or anyone but i'm brick

walled in this social phobic braincage and i don't know if i can take it anymore.

I'm in exactly that situation as well.

I'm pretty much at the point where I think it's impossible for me to get anything good in life, because of the way my brain is wired.

My life so far has been nothing but a fucking torture, I try to tell myself it's going to get better and I just need to try to make friends, but every time I try to get into a better situation it just crumbles back into a pile of shit and I'm tired of trying.

Do these things work like clockwork for others? Why is it that even though I hate social interaction I still long for it when I have no access to it?

I honestly don't see why the fuck I was shat on this piece of shit planet.

It's absurd really, I still need to be thankful for it. I have the privilege to have a cosciousness in a universe that is mostly cold and dead, I live on a planet thriving with life and even so happen to belong to the most intelligent species on it. I should be thankful for having the privilege to experience anything at all, if only for the small time I was given.

It's a short ride, might as well let it pass.

Sorry for trashing this forum with my gibberish, I just have absolutely nobody else to talk to.

[Guest fiznuthian]

 

sorry to drop more shit on this soapbox but it makes me feel less alone.

i'm just really, really broken and everything good in my life decays to more shit.

it hurts so fucking bad. i'm regularly crumbling every few days now and i just want to bang my head on a fucking wall until it stops.

i try to pick my spirit up and keep moving in the hopes that i might do something really good for someone or anyone but i'm brick

walled in this social phobic braincage and i don't know if i can take it anymore.

I'm in exactly that situation as well.

I'm pretty much at the point where I think it's impossible for me to get anything good in life, because of the way my brain is wired.

My life so far has been nothing but a fucking torture, I try to tell myself it's going to get better and I just need to try to make friends, but every time I try to get into a better situation it just crumbles back into a pile of shit and I'm tired of trying.

Do these things work like clockwork for others? Why is it that even though I hate social interaction I still long for it when I have no access to it?

I honestly don't see why the fuck I was shat on this piece of shit planet.

It's absurd really, I still need to be thankful for it. I have the privilege to have a cosciousness in a universe that is mostly cold and dead, I live on a planet thriving with life and even so happen to belong to the most intelligent species on it. I should be thankful for having the privilege to experience anything at all, if only for the small time I was given.

It's a short ride, might as well let it pass.

Sorry for trashing this forum with my gibberish, I just have absolutely nobody else to talk to.

 

 

[may be rude]

really sorry to hear about these situations.

 

fizn, i recall you saying recently a firm diagnosis hadn't yet been reached for your ailment. didn't you say you had some kind of health care coverage? please don't let your depression obstruct your health care, this could form a feedback loop. could you see a new doctor, get a second opinion, a fresh mind? maybe there are some prescriptions that could help you deal with the stress of it?

 

sheathe, not sure what your situation is. were you responding to fiz's post?

 

verdant, damn dude, sounds like depression. if it's really bad then maybe an anti-depressant could jolt you out of it and make it easier to establish a new groove without the pills? would it be feasible to adopt a dog? there are millions of dogs being put down every year because noone will take them. you could shop around at animal shelters, wait until you find one with a personality you like. there is plenty of good to do in the world, and that is an easy one that gives you plenty of reward.

 

sorry i don't have better things to say right now. i do have experience dealing with and getting through depression, as i posted a couple pages ago, feel free to pm me.

[Guest fiznuthian]

really sorry to hear about these situations.

 

fizn, i recall you saying recently a firm diagnosis hadn't yet been reached for your ailment. didn't you say you had some kind of health care coverage? please don't let your depression obstruct your health care, this could form a feedback loop. could you see a new doctor, get a second opinion, a fresh mind? maybe there are some prescriptions that could help you deal with the stress of it?

 

sheathe, not sure what your situation is. were you responding to fiz's post?

 

verdant, damn dude, sounds like depression. if it's really bad then maybe an anti-depressant could jolt you out of it and make it easier to establish a new groove without the pills? would it be feasible to adopt a dog? there are millions of dogs being put down every year because noone will take them. you could shop around at animal shelters, wait until you find one with a personality you like. there is plenty of good to do in the world, and that is an easy one that gives you plenty of reward.

 

sorry i don't have better things to say right now. i do have experience dealing with and getting through depression, as i posted a couple pages ago, feel free to pm me.

 

yeah, i have more work to do with my neurologist and my doctor is a good doctor i think, but it's a slow process and they're struggling to find signs for what's happening to me. i have about 14 half mg xanax in a bottle and tonight i heavily sedated myself. i'd hate to pm you.. i'm hitting really hard mental lows right now and it's pure shit

[coax]

I've sort of come to the conclusion that my mood changes on its own without rhyme or reason. Sometimes I feel great when in a social situation, other times I feel terrible, with the same people. It's like chemicals in the brain that just change without any real external reason and that makes my brain react differently to the same situations. And it comes in cycles. When I feel bad, I can't feel music, can't feel a beautiful sky or other nice lighting, and when I feel good I want a lot more of all of that. But sad to say, it doesn't seem like I will ever get rid of it.

 

One thing I started to do around 2011 was walk as fast as I could, every single time I walk. To the train, to the store, whatever. My local store and train both have uphill most of the way, not too steep, but enough that I get really fast heart beat and breathing every time I reach the top. This really helped over time, I really like feeling a bit exhausted, and I have to do it daily. Dunno how effective it would be for others, but it's kind of a starting compromise between walking slowly, being sedentary and active gym-like training.