Divorce

[lyst]

Guess I'm looking for some advice, tips, stories, and do's and don'ts from people who have went through this.  The good and the bad.

Within the past couple months my wife (whom I love very much) left me and is seeking a divorce.  This is all very jarring and confusing - and very new to me and my family as no one has went through it.  I tried for very hard for a couple weeks to see about reconciling or making it work but she has refused and said 0% chance of that.  So we will be trying to do an amicable "Dissolution of Marriage".  Which in America pretty much means you decide on how you will split everything prior to bringing it to a court, and then it's quickly done.  No fighting or long divorce battle.

We have no children, we just have a house and a bunch of investments.  I absolutely love this house and neighborhood, but I don't think i'll be able to afford to pay her out of the mortgage.  I just started a new job and do not have cash flow.  So sadly will have to sell it and split the equity down the middle.

Times did get pretty dark and I was thinking about ending it all more than once, but I think i've acquired a little bit of closure knowing there's 0% chance of making it work.  

How do you deal with knowing your life is about to DRASTICALLY change?  Did you move in with family for a while?  Or just get your own place?  How soon did you begin dating again?  Did you hop right in to get your mind off of it?  Or take a lot of time to heal first.  These are the kinds of questions I'm pondering.

[Berk]

No real advice I can give you, but this sounds tough. Sorry to hear you have to go through all this, stay strong

[ignatius]

so sorry. will chime in asap. have some things to share on this but can't right now. 

[lyst]

17 minutes ago, Berk said:

No real advice I can give you, but this sounds tough. Sorry to hear you have to go through all this, stay strong

Thanks mate.

[zero]

1 hour ago, lyst said:

Times did get pretty dark and I was thinking about ending it all more than once, but I think i've acquired a little bit of closure knowing there's 0% chance of making it work.  

I'd strongly recommend you talk to a psychologist if you are having suicidal thoughts. nothing is worth ending it all over, man. the best thing about living is you have the opportunity to learn as much truthful information as possible.

you have health insurance? most insurance will cover the visit (but you gotta co-pay!). or shit, just go to a psychologist/mental health pro to talk about what you're experiencing regarding the divorce. talk therapy is there for a reason. 

if you don't want to do that, then I'd recommend finding a guided meditation class to go to, if you've never tried meditation before. deeply meditating is also extremely helpful for reducing stress/anxiety. it can help you gain insight into whatever personal thing in your life is causing you to lose your shit over.

read a book on the basics of Buddhism. there's a lot of helpful knowledge there.

and finally, good to realize this experience is all just temporary. your divorce. life. everything. nothing is permanent. just go with the flow and see what happens next.

[lyst]

1 minute ago, zero said:

I'd strongly recommend you talk to a psychologist if you are having suicidal thoughts. nothing is worth ending it all over, man. the best thing about living is you have the opportunity to learn as much truthful information as possible.

you have health insurance? most insurance will cover the visit (but you gotta co-pay!). or shit, just go to a psychologist/mental health pro to talk about what you're experiencing regarding the divorce. talk therapy is there for a reason. 

if you don't want to do that, then I'd recommend finding a guided meditation class to go to, if you've never tried meditation before. deeply meditating is also extremely helpful for reducing stress/anxiety. it can help you gain insight into whatever personal thing in your life is causing you to lose your shit over.

read a book on the basics of Buddhism. there's a lot of helpful knowledge there.

and finally, good to realize this experience is all just temporary. your divorce. life. everything. nothing is permanent. just go with the flow and see what happens next.

Unfortunately no health insurance at the moment.  I think after this is all done and over with I will definitely consider going to therapy.  It's been a tough few years for me and I need to work through it all somehow.

Thanks for all the advice, will look into this stuff.

[luke viia]

Hey, lyst. I'm really sorry to hear you're dealing with all this. I have not gone through divorce; I can only imagine the stress and heartache you're working through right now.

3 hours ago, lyst said:

How do you deal with knowing your life is about to DRASTICALLY change?  Did you move in with family for a while?  Or just get your own place?  How soon did you begin dating again?  Did you hop right in to get your mind off of it?  Or take a lot of time to heal first.  These are the kinds of questions I'm pondering.

This is where I can perhaps offer at least some solidarity. My life is also changing drastically right now, and fast. Have a million decisions to make and only a few options, none of them good. Like you, I'm weighing these paths (financially, emotionally, practically) - one of which is, yep... moving back in with family halfway across the country for a while. Really a swallow-the-pride moment, but it's okay to ask for help.

When it comes to breakups and divorce, I think everyone copes a little differently, but personally I'd suggest you take time to heal and catch your balance - take care of yourself. If you think moving into a place alone is a good idea and you can afford it, then ultimately trust your judgment of course, but I think there is significant benefit from having loved ones around if you're okay living with family (again, everyone's situation is so different...). Over the past month or two I've learned just how much isolation can affect us emotionally, and while in my case it did allow me to grieve in private, being alone with the stress and endlessly turning things over in my head has been pretty confusing and overwhelming. And anyway, family gives hugs. Hugs really, really help. If you decide to live alone, please spend time with friends and family anyway. We all need each other.

 

again dude I'm sorry you're in this position. Heartbreak does end, it is utterly miserable when it happens but you will heal. All the other unfortunate tag-along effects don't make it any easier -- but you'll be in a new situation, building with a new part of yourself, sooner than it seems. I'll be doing the same. We got this.

[ignatius]

it's all a big inconvenience with heavy emotional baggage. i wasn't married but a 12 year relationship is close enough i guess. my brother got divorced.. twice.. my parents divorced when i was a kid. it's a silver lining that you don't have kids. sorry about the house situation but best to bite the bullet and go thru w/the thing so you can move on and get all this behind you and look to the future and take care of yourself. 

what i learned is be smart, protect yourself but be generous with kindness, don't be petty, take the high road when necessary but try to make sure you're being met halfway or as close as possible.  you'll thank yourself later. be patient. don't rush just to get it over with. say all the things you think you need to say... there's a chance you won't get the opportunity to say them later.. but ya know.. timing is important. 

it's a weird weird thing to experience. disruptive in unexpected ways. so, be prepared for things to come up suddenly. the adjustment period is essentially like grief. you'll be grieving the loss of a lot of things. death of a relationship. if you do get a therapist or counselor or whatever even for a little while it'll be helpful.. even one of those on line things "better help".. having someone to talk to is good. 

i thought i had more to say but each relationship is its own universe so while it's a relatable experience it's by no means generic. so sorry you're going through this. just deal w/it the things in front of you and you'll find your way. 

Edited December 17, 2022 by ignatius
typos

[usagi]

can't help in any way but good luck with it.

[cern]

Im sorry to hear, this is something you need to go thru the hard way. 

Aside from the Divorce-procedure which I think is complicated process in the states 
try to spent time on the gym, do so many things you can do that only do good for yourself. 
Try to put your mindset in a new direction you know. Let yourself grow more as person in this hard times is fully possible.  
I know there is gonna be alot of pain and dark thoughts but you can go thru it by focus on stuff you you really like to do and makes you feel good. 

Don't be a murderer and kill yourself or something.. Everything of this can turn out to be very good for you in long term. 

[Squee]

7 hours ago, luke viia said:

take care of yourself

100% this!

I have not gone through what you have gone through, but I have been through what others have called "tough shit". I don't know how to describe it myself. But taking care of yourself is the most important thing in a situation like this. You need to set aside what everyone else thinks you should do and what you think others would want you to. You're in the eye of the hurricane right now - and this is your hurricane. Your potential ex-wife is in a whole different hurricane.
Moving back in with your family will be tough as fuck, so if it doesn't feel right and you feel you can afford a better solution then make sure to figure out what outcome will be the best one for you. But be realistic and don't make rushed decisions.

Even though you shouldn't care about what anyone else says, it might be a good idea to talk to someone. Not necessarily to get advice but simply so you can unload and hear yourself through another person's ears. It's kinda like playing your music for someone else. As soon as you do you know exactly what needs to be done to make it better

I cannot stress this enough. Don't think about anyone but yourself.

[lyst]

10 hours ago, ignatius said:

 sorry about the house situation but best to bite the bullet and go thru w/the thing so you can move on and get all this behind you and look to the future and take care of yourself. 

what i learned is be smart, protect yourself but be generous with kindness, don't be petty, take the high road when necessary but try to make sure you're being met halfway or as close as possible.  you'll thank yourself later. be patient. don't rush just to get it over with. say all the things you think you need to say... there's a chance you won't get the opportunity to say them later.. but ya know.. timing is important. 

Yea the weird thing about the situation is that she seems to be very lazy about the actual divorce.  She's not pushing anything, and she's not responding to my texts about lawyers and splitting things up.  Which puts me in an odd scenario.  I'm not the one who wants the divorce so why the hell would I start pushing the process along?  Maybe so I can get it over and done with - but it just feels wrong to me for me to be the one to do it.  I'm in this mind-state now where I'm just enjoying every last day in this house that i can.

And yea as far as the last portion, I am a good guy and i'll remain a good guy.  Even if she abandoned me penniless, i'll still treat her very well like I always have.  That's just how I was raised and how I choose to live my life.  I've never been out for money and what I can get in situations - all I really care about is health, happiness, and love.

 

12 hours ago, luke viia said:

This is where I can perhaps offer at least some solidarity. My life is also changing drastically right now, and fast. Have a million decisions to make and only a few options, none of them good. Like you, I'm weighing these paths (financially, emotionally, practically) - one of which is, yep... moving back in with family halfway across the country for a while. Really a swallow-the-pride moment, but it's okay to ask for help.

So my father is an elderly cancer-survivor that lives in a big house pretty much by himself.  I'm over there all the time anyway just to spend time with him.  I love the old guy and in the back of my head I want to spend as much time as I can with him before cancer comes back or he falls ill some other way.  So it's a natural progression I could probably move in with him for a while and see how it is, i would help him with his mortgage so it'd pretty much be a 'roomate' type situation.  And then after a few weeks if I'm like SHIT I need my own place, by then i'll hopefully have my house money in the bank and can make a move.

 

4 hours ago, Squee said:

Even though you shouldn't care about what anyone else says, it might be a good idea to talk to someone. Not necessarily to get advice but simply so you can unload and hear yourself through another person's ears. It's kinda like playing your music for someone else. As soon as you do you know exactly what needs to be done to make it better

I have bared my soul to a select group of people, friends and family.  It did feel pretty therapeutic to get some stuff out and and also receive their advice.  I am a sensitive guy and i wear my emotions on my shoulder so I do know it's important to not bottle it all in.

 

6 hours ago, cern said:

Don't be a murderer and kill yourself or something.. Everything of this can turn out to be very good for you in long term. 

I'm not sure if I agree with this for every situation.  The one thing I didn't mention in my OP is that I've been dealing with really bad chronic health problems as well.  Debilitating issues with my gut and my heart.  So at some point if someone is going through immense pain and suffering after many years, I think it's fully their right to take their own life if they do not wish to proceed in the misery.  For me I was in all of this pain and then my wife / best friend / person I loved most in the world left me.  There is a level to pain and suffering I think that humans innately decide it's not worth it anymore.  And that's fine.

[zazen]

@lyst

How old are you? 20s/30s/40s/50s?

Have you ever lived on your own before? If so, did you enjoy it or find it hard?

Edited December 17, 2022 by zazen

[J3FF3R00]

I’ve never had a divorce but I feel like if I did (and if I didn’t have kids) I would want to try living abroad. See about trying to cram in some life experiences that the marriage prevented me from having. 
 

Really sorry homie. Sending lots of love  

[cern]

1 hour ago, lyst said:

I'm not sure if I agree with this for every situation.  The one thing I didn't mention in my OP is that I've been dealing with really bad chronic health problems as well.  Debilitating issues with my gut and my heart.  So at some point if someone is going through immense pain and suffering after many years, I think it's fully their right to take their own life if they do not wish to proceed in the misery.  For me I was in all of this pain and then my wife / best friend / person I loved most in the world left me.  There is a level to pain and suffering I think that humans innately decide it's not worth it anymore.  And that's fine.

10 years ago for the second time the doctors found cancer had spred thru my uncles body.
After been hospitalized The doctors were very sure that he didn't have long time maximum 2 years to survive. 
His wife had left him and his condition had worsen and he got into a long painful chemotherapy treatment. 
Why not just end it right there right? I mean nothing left for him.. Nothing to live for, only suffering. 

Well he sold his house and bought a new one in Thailand. Just eating healthy, have lots of fun, party a lot and he is now still alive and a very happy man.

Many who are suffering is saying there is nothing to live for etc.. I think that you can turn around that way of thinking no matter how bad things go really. 
Well if you laying on a deathbed and can never speak or move again ever period then Im open for death help. 

[lyst]

39 minutes ago, zazen said:

@lyst

How old are you? 20s/30s/40s/50s?

Have you ever lived on your own before? If so, did you enjoy it or find it hard?

I'm 35.  I have lived on my own yea - I have no problems with living on my own.  Naturally I do like having a companion in life, I don't love being alone, I think life is better when shared.  Obviously that's far down the line from now though.  

I think living alone is best when you are dating and beginning something new with someone.  Having a girl around when I was living at my father's house back in the day caused many problems.  So i'm thinking I move back in with my dad, have a place to store all my shit, and stay there just to heal and get my mind back to normal.  For 2 to 5 months.  Then start looking for my own place.

[Alcofribas]

Not sure how much this will be of use so we don’t know each other personally. A few years ago I got divorced after 8 years (9.5 year relationship). Presently, at age 40, I feel overall the best I’ve ever felt about myself and my life. I am by no means a successful person and have many struggles but I am much more comfortable with who I am, as they say. Divorce was a crucial element in this. 
 

At first, ending a marriage feels overwhelming and impossible. How could you possibly go through such an upheaval, such a radical change? But this is actually a kind of opening into a potentially more strengthened relationship to your self. In a way, this intensity is like the first blast after which things honestly while gradually slow down, with time. There will be ebbs and flows but the process is already underway. You are surviving, and will survive. It might be helpful to tell yourself that at this moment millions of people are experiencing this, an incomprehensibly huge number have done so over time. And really, mostly everyone gets through it. Almost every one I’ve ever known who has gone through divorce is happy for it in the end. It is human, and can be humanizing. I know it probably feels intensely personal and scary but you’ll be ok man. 
 

It’s hard to advise anything specific but in a broad sense I would say give yourself time, let yourself flow with time. Get shit done, there will be lots to do and take care of. But you gotta let the process unfold almost like a natural phenomenon. Importantly, be kind to yourself. If you can, treat yourself like someone you have to care for. Idk what this means for you - maybe it’s hitting the ground running and exercising your muscle or maybe it’s resting and convalescing. In any case, don’t let the demons come crawling in to tell you all kinds of bad shit about yourself or the future. Maybe it’ll get messy emotionally but that’s totally fine and normal. When you get sick you get messy - coughing everywhere, snot pouring out your nose, skin changing color, itching, whatever. Same kinda thing happening with a big emotionally and physical separation like this - stuff’s gonna be all weird and out of whack but you just let it happen until one day you realize you already turned the corner and you’re already confidently walking on a new street. 
 

Also, you’ll find people who have been through this. You’ll feel like you’re the freak until you realize tons and tons of people can relate. 
 

idk man, dunno if this is connecting or anything. I will say that for as hard as it is right now, ultimately it’s a liberation. You are getting a new opportunity to become who you are and this is the moment where you’ll get to know yourself in a new light. Be nice to the person you meet in that light bc you’re gonna be on a journey together. Take advantage of any friends and family around who are good to you, let them help you out. Reach out if you need help, there’s no shame in that. Whoever is in your life that you love, let that love do its thing. 
 

But you’ll be good, brother. 

[lyst]

4 hours ago, Alcofribas said:

Not sure how much this will be of use so we don’t know each other personally. A few years ago I got divorced after 8 years (9.5 year relationship). Presently, at age 40, I feel overall the best I’ve ever felt about myself and my life. I am by no means a successful person and have many struggles but I am much more comfortable with who I am, as they say. Divorce was a crucial element in this. 
 

At first, ending a marriage feels overwhelming and impossible. How could you possibly go through such an upheaval, such a radical change? But this is actually a kind of opening into a potentially more strengthened relationship to your self. In a way, this intensity is like the first blast after which things honestly while gradually slow down, with time. There will be ebbs and flows but the process is already underway. You are surviving, and will survive. It might be helpful to tell yourself that at this moment millions of people are experiencing this, an incomprehensibly huge number have done so over time. And really, mostly everyone gets through it. Almost every one I’ve ever known who has gone through divorce is happy for it in the end. It is human, and can be humanizing. I know it probably feels intensely personal and scary but you’ll be ok man. 
 

It’s hard to advise anything specific but in a broad sense I would say give yourself time, let yourself flow with time. Get shit done, there will be lots to do and take care of. But you gotta let the process unfold almost like a natural phenomenon. Importantly, be kind to yourself. If you can, treat yourself like someone you have to care for. Idk what this means for you - maybe it’s hitting the ground running and exercising your muscle or maybe it’s resting and convalescing. In any case, don’t let the demons come crawling in to tell you all kinds of bad shit about yourself or the future. Maybe it’ll get messy emotionally but that’s totally fine and normal. When you get sick you get messy - coughing everywhere, snot pouring out your nose, skin changing color, itching, whatever. Same kinda thing happening with a big emotionally and physical separation like this - stuff’s gonna be all weird and out of whack but you just let it happen until one day you realize you already turned the corner and you’re already confidently walking on a new street. 
 

Also, you’ll find people who have been through this. You’ll feel like you’re the freak until you realize tons and tons of people can relate. 
 

idk man, dunno if this is connecting or anything. I will say that for as hard as it is right now, ultimately it’s a liberation. You are getting a new opportunity to become who you are and this is the moment where you’ll get to know yourself in a new light. Be nice to the person you meet in that light bc you’re gonna be on a journey together. Take advantage of any friends and family around who are good to you, let them help you out. Reach out if you need help, there’s no shame in that. Whoever is in your life that you love, let that love do its thing. 
 

But you’ll be good, brother. 

 

Thanks a lot man.  This all helps a lot.  You are right it's going to be messy for a while but I've just got to stick this out and on the other side things will look better.

She just texted me today and said she has to move back in for a few days, which sounds like it's going to be a few days of hell.  We both work from home most of the time so we'll have to be around each other all day.  I'm not going to go stay somewhere else though for these days, i need to remain at home - num1 i have my home office, num2 I just don't trust her anymore.  Could come back and the locks will be changed or all my shit is gone.

Ah well.  Just have to stay focused on my new job and keeping myself sane.

[Alcofribas]

6 hours ago, lyst said:

 

Thanks a lot man.  This all helps a lot.  You are right it's going to be messy for a while but I've just got to stick this out and on the other side things will look better.

She just texted me today and said she has to move back in for a few days, which sounds like it's going to be a few days of hell.  We both work from home most of the time so we'll have to be around each other all day.  I'm not going to go stay somewhere else though for these days, i need to remain at home - num1 i have my home office, num2 I just don't trust her anymore.  Could come back and the locks will be changed or all my shit is gone.

Ah well.  Just have to stay focused on my new job and keeping myself sane.

Godspeed. Keep us updated if you want. Could be good to have the forum as a space to just unload and look at sick memes and stuff

[chim]

Sad to hear and it's a little unfortunate that it's unusual in your immediate circle, because it's absolutely not. No real personal experience of divorce (I'm actively avoiding the institution of marriage), I've had my share of trials & upheavals but almost every relative and everybody I work with who has married is a divorcee, lots of messy situations with kids involved, two are widows whose husbands killed themselves. People get by fine with time and take the experience for what it is, but it's a slow process. Nobody can control this stuff and if it isn't working out it isn't meant to be. I don't know any stable person who started looking for another relationship immediately, those who did ended up worse off the first period. Can't really offer much else except try not to think of the "s'posed to"s and recover on your own terms, whatever that means. Keeping busy & active is usually a good idea, especially regarding your health issues you describe. Could be an opportunity to care for your health on several level, maybe spiritually, or start something you've been meaning to. You sound like a very considerate and sympathetic person but there is sadly not much reward for that in this world, so be careful. Best of luck brother! 

[lyst]

4 hours ago, chim said:

I don't know any stable person who started looking for another relationship immediately, those who did ended up worse off the first period.

Agreed.  We've been separated now for pretty much 2 months,  but i'm definitely not even going to consider dating until the divorce is finalized and complete.  Out of respect to my soon-to-be ex-wife, and out of respect to the ladies I would date.  How could your mind be right and how could you give someone your full attention if you are going through a divorce.

Suffice it to say, the dating game is somewhat intriguing to me now.  Gone are the days where you have to go out to bars and watering holes to meet women.  Just about all of my friends that have gotten married in the past 5 years have met their spouses through dating apps.  Seems like a very easy and unconvoluted way to meet people - also giving you the ability to chat a while beforehand to see if there's enough interest on both sides.

[lyst]

So my conundrum now is that she is moving back home for a couple of days while her AirBNB is booked for Christmas.  My heart is telling me to view this as my last and final chance to win her back, get flowers, clean the house, maybe even get her Christmas presents.  

My brain is telling me it's over, she's told me more than once she's done.  She wants to come home and discuss the divorce.

Since I'm the one that was left and she's divorcing me- i'll probably have this constant struggle until the papers are signed.  I still love her more than anything on the earth, she's still my best friend, and I don't want things to end.  

Even though i'm setting myself up for failure and more heartbreak, i'll most likely go with my heart over my my brain.  That's just who I am.  I've always led with love.

[ignatius]

32 minutes ago, lyst said:

So my conundrum now is that she is moving back home for a couple of days while her AirBNB is booked for Christmas.  My heart is telling me to view this as my last and final chance to win her back, get flowers, clean the house, maybe even get her Christmas presents.  

at best you'll get break up sex.  so, i wouldn't bend over backwards trying to please her. be kind of business-like. if a long talk happens then that's good. maybe you get an early chance at closure. sorry for the roller coaster you're gonna experience but just try and hang on. 

[scumtron]

Not to be rude, but I don't think she will cancel the divorce, and break up sex will probably be confusing and painful in your case. Try to get a better closure, will be my (married with children) advice. 

[lyst]

1 hour ago, ignatius said:

at best you'll get break up sex.  so, i wouldn't bend over backwards trying to please her. be kind of business-like. if a long talk happens then that's good. maybe you get an early chance at closure. sorry for the roller coaster you're gonna experience but just try and hang on. 

 

1 hour ago, scumtron said:

Not to be rude, but I don't think she will cancel the divorce, and break up sex will probably be confusing and painful in your case. Try to get a better closure, will be my (married with children) advice. 

 

I know you guys are both right.  There's no sense in buying a big flower piece or presents if her mind is made up.  I already got her a present the last time she was around and she didn't give a sh$t.  I already sent her a big flower piece to her airbnb and she didn't give a sh$t about that either.  There's no point in wasting the money.

Btw I have no interest in breakup sex.  I think my best course of action would be remaining business like, don't try to force anything, but that the same time be honest and open about my feelings.  If there is indeed 0 chance for making it work, I still have to let her know how i feel until the very end.  I still don't think we should throw away our 8 years together, the life we built, the home, the neighborhood, the friends, the family, the sharing of mutual hobbies and interests, the deep spiritual connection we have, etc..